POURING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS DOWN A "BLACK HOLE"

If you wanted to ratchet up the arms race, waste many billions of taxpayer dollars, and make the US look like a joke to the rest of the world, you could hardly do better than to proceed with the current Missile Defense System.

LIVING IN A SHOPPING MALL

Would you want to live in a shopping mall? Well if you do, now you can buy a two-bedroom, two-bath condo that sits on the roof of a Starbucks, Pottery Barn, or Dean and Deluca, among so many other high-end retail bases.

In as long as it would take you to run down a few steps, or perhaps jump off your balcony a few feet, you could be sipping an iced-frappucino or selecting flounder-to-go at $22 a pound.

WHAT’S A "TRUE HERO" WORTH IN A CONSUMER SOCIETY?

I knew I was in danger of developing "hero envy" when I walked into the lobby of my building and saw the deskman sorting the mail wearing white latex gloves. It was right after "9/11" and the "anthrax scare" that was plaguing America, Canada and other parts of the world. Postal workers were being called "heroes" for handling and delivering the mail, and I wondered if "my deskman" should also be considered a hero. After all, wasn’t he putting his life in danger by sorting the mail into the little boxes for each resident?

Contemplating The Fountain Of Youth

I was rubbing the inside of a banana skin around my eyes, mouth, and on my forehead a few days ago - following my mother-in-law's advice - to "pull my face together." I tried it because she said that rubbing fruit on your face is a cheap, safe, alternative to buying a face lift - if you feel the need to lessen your wrinkles and look younger for a few hours.

And while I was sliding the yellow skin about my visage, I confronted the dark night of my soul about how I want to look as I grow older, and what I stand for in terms of wrinkles, lines, sags, and bags.

Am I a wrinkly guy or a smooth guy when it comes to appearance? Am I a naturalist or a "repairer" when it comes to showing the signs of aging?

I realized, in short, that I am caught in a conundrum involving my face, which boils down to this question: Do I let myself increasingly start to look like the Elephant Man to anyone either under 30 or over 50 who has had "face work," or do I give in to the anti-aging industries and become a consumer of "youthful appearance?"

As I pondered this seminal question, I thought of Botox, which is soon to be approved by the FDA. If I buy into that diluted toxin (botulinum toxin type A) - a shot you get in your forehead that paralyzes the muscles so you can't wrinkle there and eliminates wrinkles already formed - what am I really buying? Is it "youth" or a mask that hides the shame I might feel from looking "old"? Am I buying a smooth forehead or a lobotomy, of sorts - that prevents me from thinking about getting old because, presumably, I am looking at a "younger" face in the mirror?

Going beyond the Botox question, do I really want to have a total "face lift" that eliminates all wrinkles? What if the face lift produces a hideous parody of my real face that I can never reverse? Have you seen Carol Burnett lately, or Jack Lemmon in his final years? Or dozens of other celebrities who now look like alien replicas of their once-handsome selves?

Why do people suffer the surgery and take the risk on the outcome? For some, I believe, it's a marketplace decision and for others it's a vanity decision. In the world of work today a youthful appearance is almost a necessity unless you are one of those wild looking or established gurus, like Andrew Weil or Krishnamurti, for whom the look of old age can be an asset, because it suggests wisdom. For almost everyone else, fuggeddaboutit: Old looking means no bookings.

And as for vanity, well, "old looking" is "ugly" or, more fundamentally, "damaged." That is the heart of the issue, way below the surface of the epidermis: Today you are likely to view yourself, along with most everyone else, as "damaged"-looking if you don't get the wrinkles out, the lines removed, the bags deflated. That is how the cosmetics industry, the dermatology industry, the spa industry, and the pharmaceutical industry have re-defined the natural process of aging. The wrinkles, lines, and bags are not supposed to be there, in other words, because they now don't have to be there.

But if we decide to do what can be done and get rid of the wrinkles, lines, bags, and sags what do we get in exchange? What are we really doing?

I am so confused that I would like to spend about a month inside a giant vat of mashed bananas and honey to think about the question.

On The Evolution Of Naming Rights

The Evolution of "Naming Rights" in America (and the rest of the Western World) has followed a path from the large to the small, unlike in biology. Soon, Supreme Court cases will abound that involve Naming Rights issues as yet undreamed of, that are illustrated below. Serious students of the Evolution of Naming Rights should note the following trend for their own edification and potential profit:

In the beginning, there were places such as Enron Field, 3Com Stadium, and the TWA Dome. Corporate "branding" of sports stadiums, theaters (e.g., American Airlines Theater in New York), and other places was Stage I in the Evolution of Naming Rights.

Then came Stage 2 in Evolution: Corporate branding of shopping malls. Discover Mills, for example, is the name of a shopping mall under construction in suburban Atlanta that was originally going to be called Sugarloaf Mills. When the Discover Card poured in the big bucks, the name was changed - and it marks the first time a company has acquired naming rights for a shopping mall.

Stage 3 quickly followed: Corporate Branding of a public school building. ShopRite of Brooklawn Gymnasium is the first time a school building has been branded by a corporation. The owner of the local New Jersey ShopRite supermarket pledged $100,000 over 20 years for the naming rights to the gym, at Alice Costello Elementary School, with 240 students in kindergarten through eighth grade.

Stage 4 in Evolution: Naming Rights to a NeoNate: A couple in Mount Kisco, NY (let's call them the Whites) didn't know what to name the baby boy they were expecting, so the couple has been looking for a corporate sponsor to pay half a million dollars for their son's name. God willing, they will name their child "Toyota," "Depends," or "Viagra," if they can find a sponsor to fork over the mega-moola they are seeking.

That is where we have come so far in the Evolutionary History of Naming Rights. But the future holds many other possibilities. The following three are certain within the next year. The potential for Supreme Court challenges is great:

Stage 5: Individuals Seek Naming Rights Deals for Themselves. I am, for example, thinking of calling myself "Grape Nuts" Altschuler, if Post will go along with it. My fee will be a modest $10,000 for one year, with an option to renew. I am also considering Quaker Oats Altschuler, Ajax Altschuler, and Dijon Dick Altschuler. I have written the contract to guarantee my sponsor that I will always use my branded name when I introduce myself to someone in person and in any written correspondence, including emails. Critics may challenge that a "sponsor-named individual relationship" represents a modern form of slavery, and bring such cases before the courts. But I will fight for my right to be called "Grape Nuts" or die!

Stage 6: Personal Hygiene and X-Rated Products Demand Naming Rights Privileges: Trojan Episcopal Church of Detroit, Charmin Lake Shore Drive of Chicago, Preparation H Loon Lake of New York, Hustler Golden Gate Bridge of San Francisco. All of these attempts at Naming Rights, and many more, are sure to wind up in the Supreme Court, as proper institutions' lawyers argue, before the Justices, that their companies are not practicing discrimination by rejecting the lucrative offers of the "offending" bidders.

But these cases will pale in comparison to the next stage of Naming Rights Evolution.

Stage 7: Social Organizations, Clubs, and Associations Will Demand Naming Rights Privileges: The Ku Klux Klan Jefferson Memorial in Washington, DC, the Boy Scouts of America Florida Keys, the New American Nazi Party Brooklyn Bridge . . . are only a smattering of the cases that protest groups will challenge - as they accuse such groups of bigotry and genocide, and therefore of being unworthy to have their "brand" on public places.

After all, what do these groups stand for? What does Enron stand for? Or ShopRite? Or the Discover Card? Or any other company that buys naming rights to public places?

Does anybody ask, as long as the money is there? Does anybody care?

It Was Only A Matter of Time
Is it possible that almost every act of consumerism is actually an "evil" act, which has the hidden purpose of destroying the world and all humankind?

Could be.

I learned about this trend towards "evil" consumerism while viewing an ad during the Super Bowl. When I first saw the ad, it left me, well, mildly perplexed. Then, as the ad became part of my inner library, it began to eat away at my brain matter. You know, like turned-on worms in a deli trashcan.

IF YOU BUY ILLEGAL DRUGS, YOU ARE SUPPORTING TERRORISTS AND TERRORISM!

That's essentially what the ad proclaimed.

It was, of course, a public service ad, obviously meant to prevent young viewers from using drugs. But instead of promoting the idea that illegal drugs could be bad for health and grades in school, or, for that matter, even not nice for sex appeal, the ad delivered the message that taking drugs was equivalent to financing and supporting terrorism.

So did the message mean that if I buy a joint, the money is going to some terrorist organization, because it grows the stuff and receives the proceeds?

But what about if the joint comes from a hippie's farm in California, the state that is one of the biggest suppliers of pot in the world?

And how about if little Tommy or Julie buy heroin? Does that mean the money necessarily goes to the Al Qaeda network?

But how is anyone to know where the dope comes from or who gets the money?

Did the ad suggest that terrorists are really the drug dealers - all around the world - and that their main source of income comes from drugs?

Does every organization on the planet which attacks innocent civilians or attempts to cause fear in the populace get its money mainly from drugs? What about arms sales? Oil? Prostitution? The slave trade?

Were the people who created the ad relying on research or their fantasies?

Maybe they were stoned.

Never mind. Following the logic of that ad, let's look at possible ads for the next Super Bowl:

Are They Going To Dumb Us Down?

Imagine putting a band-aid on a cut and you hear it say, "There is an increase in heat that indicates swelling," or you watch it flashing or hear it beeping to indicate a buildup of bacteria. Consumer-industry mavens refer to this type of product as "smart."

Consider the "smart" band-aid that is about to be marketed. The "brain" in the band-aid, it turns out, consists of built-in sensors - a little microchip - that you can program to sense whatever you need to know about the wound under the bandage. In addition to giving you feedback, the "band-aid brain" can store and process the information about the wound, which you can then bring to your doctor. Isn’t that something?

At first glance, this innovation may seem terrific. After all, what could be bad about a product that communicates with you and provides you with information about some bodily function? Just think, the band-aid could be programmed to say, "I need to be changed, I am full of pus, filthy and disgusting.

How many people might be overjoyed by the arrival of smart products at their doorsteps? New mothers might be thrilled to have baby diapers that start to sing "Cry Me A River" when wet, and senior citizens might be ecstatic to have their diapers let them know when they’re wet (but not too loudly, if company is present).

Yes, but what does it all mean in the context of the totality of everyday life? What will happen if smart products become ubiquitous, so that almost everything is smart?

Is this the kind of world you want?

Here are several more examples of smart products that we’ll either love or hate:

On The Brutish Intrusion Of Ads In Everyday Life - And The Revolution It Signals

January 26, 2002 - A confluence of a few events portends a revolutionary change in our advertising environment, which should be fully realized in the home and workplace in about a year or two.

If it spreads, before too long we may not recognize our streets, parks, and other public places. And who knows, if it should become an epidemic, we may not even be safe one day in our schools, government buildings, and pizza or massage parlors.

New Wave Market Research Fantasies

January 19, 2002 - Once upon a time, back in the 1990s, market research companies studied the consumer the "old fashioned way" - using questionnaires, interviews, and focus groups. What did the consumer want? Like? Use?

The standard approach involved giving out a survey instrument (aka questionnaire) to "consumers" and having them check little boxes; calling them on the phone and interviewing them; assembling them together in a room, asking them questions and having them fill out forms (while company executives were watching from behind one-way mirrors).

Honoring Demented Visions And Ravenous Avarice.

January 05, 2002 - The Annual Golden Dick Awards are given out to recognize those products, services, organizations and/or industries that most padoodled the general citizenry during the past year in our buy-or-die nation-malls.

Where's My Consumer Revolution?

December 29, 2001 - Last week, I engaged you about massive changes that had taken place in our general "consumer environment" since around 1970. This week, I found that my mind stayed with that theme.

It occurred to me that the year 1970 provided, in fact, a good baseline to see "revolutionary changes" that I thought - and perhaps many people thought - would occur in everyday life over several decades.

On Dancing Dead People and Patriotism

December 21, 2001 - If I say "digital insertion" to you, what is the first thing you think of?

Internet sex would be a good answer, and a likely one, but it is not what I have in mind. What I have in mind are advertisements that are digitally inserted into shows and sporting events on television, so that people watching a tennis match at home, for example, see a logo for Mercedes Benz or Nike on the center of the tennis court - but neither the players, nor the live audience see the ad.